Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell the difference between something that feels good and something that feels right.
Sometimes it’s hard for me to distinguish between something that I need and something that I want.
So when a serendipitous moment or situation arrives, is it truly so? Or am I too focused on it being something I want? This is what scares me: that I will make a decision because I believe it to be an opportunity when really it’s not, when it’s something I want over something I need. Or just the opposite, when I make a decision based on believing it’s something I need over something I want.
I believe the Universe gives us what we need, not what we want (wouldn’t that cause a host of problems in already too-self-centered world), so maybe all situations are serendipitous, and how we respond is where we succeed or err.
Saturn Opposition Moon is still kicking my ass but has backed off somewhat since Mercury (the planet of communications) left retrograde on August 2nd and is moving forward again (big sigh of relief; no more miscommunications, misunderstandings, for a few months). I still feel philosophical, though I’m working more hours and writing/creating less – which means more money but less time for creative projects. My mind is constantly wandering off to some creative adventure I’d like to begin or complete.
I like to reread my posts; they can often inspire a new blog topic. As I reread my July 12th post on freely living a creative life, one of the quotes I included in the post bothered me. Author Elizabeth Gilbert wrote that whether or not we earn a living from a creative life isn’t the point.
I suppose it’s easy for her to write that, since she does earn a living from her writing.
How many writers/artists/creatives would agree with that statement, I wonder?
Are you truly happy just creating? I am, to a certain extent, but I admit I’d like to be able to rely, at least partially, on my creativity to support me (I’ll bet many of you would as well). Because creating something (a new novel, a painting, refinished furniture, a sculpture, etc.) is important but to earn a living from that creativity would allow us to be self-sufficient, independent, and not reliant on some J-O-B (with idiot bosses and stupid rules) so we can live our lives as we choose. Earning a living from our creativity would provide the freedom to work to live, not live to work, as so many Americans stuck in the daily grind must do.
Fear of the (Necessary) Big Leap
My biggest fear is to make the leap into 100% creativity, 100% of the time. When I think about it, I question whether I want or can create 100% of the time, since creative juices naturally ebb and flow. Caution in making deep-dive decisions come with age; thirty years ago I would have leaped into the unknown without thinking twice. Now I have responsibilities. Yet something continues to gnaw at me deep inside (could be that Saturn Opposition Moon thing). I’m not living an authentic life because I’m too concerned with that “just get a job” mantra drummed into me by my parents (that I cannot seem to let go of, for some insane reason).
What I want, then, is perhaps exactly what I need – to live creatively, freely, without doubt, without fear, always creating, always moving forward without regrets.
That is the leap of faith I (and you) must take.