Familiar Strangers

For several years now, I’ve used the phrase familiar strangers to refer to what’s left of my so-called “family” (parents, aunts, uncles being long gone). It has been an attempt to characterize more succinctly the nearly non-existent relationship I’ve had with people in my family tree. I barely knew them in my childhood and I don’t know them now (their choice, never mine). It’s an apt catchphrase and my therapist always got a kick out of it, in spite of its somber implication.

This is How We Did It

Our parents regularly socialized with each other: they packed us into the family cars, mostly in the summer, and hauled us off to their siblings’ summer camps and various barbecues. Summer picnics at Aunt Vic’s camp deep in the woods of western MA, where we picked wild blueberries to go with her homemade vanilla ice cream. Or Uncle Connie’s cabin in Vermont, where we rode his tractor through thick fields of red clover that seemed to never end. Or at uncle Norman’s property, where we barbecued and took turns riding his mini bike.

This is my generation: we showed up for weddings (all done with these) and funerals (more of these now, sadly); some send the yearly Xmas card (with no note, just a “Merry Xmas!” and a signature) and…well, nothing else in between. I mean NOTHING. Not a peep in between the occasional obligatory events that brought us together for short reunions.

The Reality of Disconnect

Yet we always picked up right where we left off from the last gathering – which, in my case, turned out to be my mother’s graveside service in May 2004. They were all so darned familiar. Yet there was this strange disconnect: I couldn’t tell you what most of them did for work; what their favorite color was; a favorite food; what kind of music they listened to…

Once my maternal grandparents were gone, it all went away. Poof. No more gatherings, no more holidays, no more barbecues. Nothing. I still don’t understand… It’s like a social gene in our family DNA didn’t make it to my generation…

Movin’ On…

After years of trying unsuccessfully to wedge myself into their lives (and them into mine), I’m backing off. I’ve put in too much effort with no result. It’s called ‘CPR-ing’ a relationship; where you alone keep it alive. I haven’t told any of them that I’ve moved home. I’m not sure I will tell them.

Because they are strangers. Familiar strangers.

 

Walking & Writing Down Memory Lane

As I continue to unpack my life in my new home (hey, the older we get, the longer the process takes, wink wink), I discovered some long-forgotten gems I’d packed away. A friend is bringing by a TV with stand later today, so I had to make room. There were still two containers, one packed with Christmas decorations and the other marked “Memorabilia” that I needed to either put away or go through and discard unwanted items. I stored the Christmas box in the storage closet then set about rifling through the box packed with memories of my past. 

That container walked me through parts of my life I’d long forgotten, including many of the papers I’d written while earning my Psych degree back in the late 90s. I chuckled and snorted my way through the papers – Philosophy – the life of Socrates; English 202 term papers; and several of my clinical psych papers on serial killers (their psychopathology and crime scenes). At the bottom, tucked in an old scrapbook, I discovered some poems and short stories I’d written as a teenager. Seems I’ve been writing for longer than I remember. I stacked those papers in a neat pile to scan into my computer at some point. I enjoyed reading them again, to see how much I have and have not changed over the decades.

Strong memories flooded my mind. In particular, my favorite professor, the late Dr. Eugene Policelli. This man was not only a brilliant professor and writer; I clearly remember he was also fluent in Italian and, of all languages, Latin. We’re talking old school here. But his exuberance, kindness, generosity, and gentle guidance were what I remember most of him and his writing assignments. Because of him, I wrote some damned good stories. One of which he liked so much that he told me to “tighten it up” (I wasn’t sure what he meant by that at the time) so he could have it printed in our local paper (he had a friend who worked as an editor or something there). I remember it was a Christmas story of my family. Then I came across handouts he’d given us on the writing process.

I also discovered a booklet printed upon my graduation from high school and, there among my classmates/poets, was one of my very own poems. I’d completely forgotten about that booklet and writing the poem. I realized some of my emotions and perceptions have remain unchanged by time.

We take many turns along the road of life but in looking back we can see patterns emerge that shape who we are or will be at any moment in time. I realized this morning that I have been a writer for most of my life and the need to express myself is part of who I am, memories and all.

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